oh, i would kill for the atlantic.

Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girls.
She's the ultimate diva.

Maybe even Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex In The City
Someone so confident with sex, it's lightening.

i don't know what to do.

my head is constantly spinning around
running on empty thoughts.

i can't make a solid decision without over analysing EVERYTHING

i hate what i am.
i'd love nothing more than to fall asleep forever
that way, i know my mind would stop.

anyway, i wrote this earlier, when i was out with zoe;

i've realised today how much life means to me
i'm sat at hawley lake, its such a nice place all year round
its a place with woods all aound, then smack bang in the middle theres this huge lake. some parts around it are rock, others are sand, others mud. 
i'm sat at one of the 'sand  banks', its basically those big sand bags placed with some wood around it and waters to got them and made it all hard etc. 
there are some people water surfing and geese swimming in lines and white birds flying over. 
this place is lush. absolutely lush.
except when the water surfers boat goes past and turns the water near us into mini tidal waves.
zoes playing some acoustic summer songs and right now, i feel really good. really really good. right now in time, i feel as though i have no worries and everythings perfect.
when ruthi comes over, i think i'll bring her over here, a little place of peace and sanctuary.

god, i really cant get over how good i feel right now.

i will die by your hand.

i had such  huge urge to listen to brand new. jesse lacey, is the most beautiful man in the world.
i don't care about the dramatic age difference. i'd give him one.
the 'one' being, whenever he wanted it. haha. 

call me a safe bet, i'm betting i'm not
glad that you can forgive, only hoping as 
time goes, you can forget.

a week ago today, i turned 18. got my first tattoo.
carpe diem on the back of my neck, strangely, it means so much to me. 

also, so much has happened in the last week. when i think back, it doesnt feel like much.
seen zoe & david a whole lot.
davids gone to bloody devon & i miss him so much
i don't understand
it's just so nice having a laugh with him
especially with zoe, them pausing big brother when mikeys on the screen & david trying to take a picture, with his little silly laugh. he cant control himself, i swear. i can't wait till he gets back & i hope he's only gone for a week.

jesus christ thats a pretty face
the kind you'd find on someone that can save
if they dont put me away
well it'll be a miracle

i don't know anything thats going on in my head right now. it's just a load of jumbles. 
i always take the problems and shove them to the back, hoping they'll sort themselves out. but there are so many now, that i've learnt i have to deal with them myself & that makes me even more frustrated. there are people i need to sort out things with, friendships, family members, things about myself, my future, ust me.. everything involves me (well, obviously, they are my problems) but they're problems i realllly don't want to deal with right now.

do you believe your missing out
that everything good is happening somewhere else
but with no body in your bed
the nights hard to get through

i just read through  blog on here, about roo & it made me quite sad.
me & him need to finish season 1 of the skins. i'd love it if we could.
some random sunday every month, if me &him, could sit down together, eating dodgy pizza my mum made, having a good cuddle & finishing up on skins, baring in mind, i think we watched like 3 episodes? god, coming to visit me must be dead boring! aha (L)

i miss all those times with people. 
i seriously do.

there speople though, i know i can sort it all out  see them more.
there are other people, where there is just no hope on this earth of ever becoming friends with them again
&i think, i've finally accepted that.




i wanna love you so much
but do me a favour baby don't reply
cos i can dish it out
but i cant take it

i can't shake the feeling of the way i feel when i think of her/talk to her/see her/text her/read her emails to me. 
everything involving her sets my stomach into butterflies.
she's perfect.
absolutely fucking perfect.
but it's killing that shes not my girl. 
it always will.


Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
Say, "I don't mind you under my skin.
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in"
Well when we were made we were set apart
But life is a test and I get bad marks
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
The storm is coming
The storm is coming in

Postsecret always brings a smile to my face or makes me feel so sorry for the person who's sent the secret in. 

"When you stopped loving me. I stopped painting" 
It shows how much power someone can have over another person and how, the littlest things can remind a person of someone else. 
But that's love. 'All is fair in love and war' Fuck that. Jesus, I'm swearing already! The love two people can share is almost invincible, untouchable. It's unreal how deep something can get and then to see the turmoil if there is a breakup. I'm getting married before I have kids, I need that to happen that way, for the fact that I don't want my kid growing up like I did. Mum, Uncle, Nan, Grandad. 
No steady father, not allowed to know who the father is, no other side of the family, no cousins, no real auntie. This family, isn't really steady at all. I mean, my nan and grandad didn't even get married before they had kids, I went to their wedding!
Working where I do, we get loads of women coming in with their  babies and blimey, I'm only 17 but god I get broody. I know it's bad, but. I just can't wait to experience that. 
I've also decided the person career for me, an air hostess. haha. 
Simply so I can travel the world and get looooads of money ;) Well, I think it's loads. 
But in other terms, I couldn't survive staying away all the time and not getting a chance to spend the money!

______________________

Another part of my life;

It's weird that everything now seems okay.

There a few things i need to do, before everythings completely perfect;

-> meet her. 
God, my stomachs never felt like this before.

phil says:

nice pitcher leanne!

phil says:

can I ask why ";" became ":"?

leanne:! says:

ahaha, younoticed?

leanne:! says:

no one else did :(

phil says:

I so noticed

leanne:! says:

because i'm settled with things, actually. the ; always set me a little on edge

leanne:! says:

i'd so fall in love with you, but i'm so not down with illegal age differences :/

leanne:! says:

BUT. if i can't love you, can you be my best friend, please?

phil says:

yayaya

phil says:

course!

leanne:! says:

yesss!





If it wasn't horrifically illegal, I'd love him to pieces.
Roll on his 16th birthday, ahaha!

Today's been one of those days, where everyone and everything seem to be getting on top of me. It also makes me so happy to just get home and chill out. Since I've got home, all I've been doing is thinking myself silly. I seem to be thinking far too much as of late. About everything actually. 

I've come to the conclusion, that people can think whatever they want of me and I'm going to be the bigger person and not let it bother me and not do it back. Gossiping has got me into some bad situations and despite me saying I'm over all the bitchiness, my gossip said has yet to die. Until now, I'm leaving all that aggro where it should be, not in me :)

I've grown up so much in the last 9 weeks that I don't want to go back to how I used to be, or in the clique I was involved with. Don't get me wrong, some of those people are lovely, but it was hassle upon hassle with a constant drama. I don't have that anymore and it's a relief waking up every morning, knowing that the only thing I have to worry about is catching my train on time and that feels, so good.

I'm not going to let anyone stand in the way of something I want to do anymore. If I want to do it, it'll be done. No doubt and that feels good. 
For now, I'm doing as I please and being nothing but myself. 

Don't like it? Fuck right off.

I love those moment, where I'm sat somewhere with my iPod, listening to some random song & I believe I get the best idea in my head.

For example, today. I was thinking about where I'd LOVE to be in 10 years time. 
I'd love to be an actress, be part of L.A. Live there, work there, involve there.
So, I think I'm going to be one. If it's what I want, go for it.

Then Verbz - Swaggerific came onto my iPod. 
I got the best idea EVER for a film, so I'm currently writing up a script. Yeah, whatever. Call me a geek f or it, but I want Ruthi to be the main character ^_^ If she'll accept the script. LOL.

My life recently, has been such a whirl wind. Every day I've been getting up and going to work. Jesus,  I actully hate it there so much now. It's driving me nuts! 
Also, I've learnt some bare shit about some lad, it's actually kinda funny. I haven't confronted him about it, but he hasn't chatted to me ALLLLLLLL day :/ I bet she said something.

RIGHT. I'm gunna finish off this plan :)

yesterday, was most probably the worst day of my life. 
i keep waking up at 11:30, so that was that time, again. my mum rang up really pissed off. she asked me to walk the dog, so i was getting ready to. then i heard kevin (the worst person in the world) in the backgarden and i said "i'm just getting sorted to take him out." then he was all "you should have done it earlier." which was annoying just by the way he said it. so i ended up crying, like i do. i rang my mum and told her about it and she said "dont worry, take him out for a walk before it gets dark" then, as i was just finishing up an essay at around 4 'o clock and i was getting re-dressed to take the dog out for a walk. i beforehand had cried so much, to myself, to my mum. sick three times due to crying so much and my mum telling me that she wasnt happy with me and i hate it when my mum does that, as i'm sure many people do. then kevin went to me "i'm going out for a bit leanne." so i said okay and continued getting ready. i heard him in the back garden, i looked out the window and he was putting the dogs lead on so i said out the window "kevin, i'm taking him out." and he said "i'm going out." "can you leave him here, so i can take him out?" "no, you should have taken him out earlier." how the hell was i supposed to do that when kevin was a prick? 
so i screamed really loud, cried even louder and so much more and was sick again. i went and called my mum again to let her know what happened, then she said she'd have a word with him. i was crying so much, cos i didnt want it to be that i wasnt doing what my mum had asked, when i was he was just stopping me. 

i then went out for an hour with zoe, listened to some jess and everything was fine. i went home and i ignored him and watching 'the flamingo kid' matt dillon is sexy in it! :) 
stuff was okay, till my mum got home.

being her usual self, ranting and raving at every chance. but whatever, i was making my dinner, so was my mum.
then kevin came in and started making food in the place my mum was, my mum went fuming. haha. saying he can wait. so he moved somewhere due to my mum chucking it across the kitchen and went "who opened the potato salad?" and i went "i did" he went psycho at me and started mocking me. wanna piss me off when i've been crying all day and i already hate you? mock me. then i'll get psycho on your bitch ass. i hate it when people mock me, like in a higher pitch of voice, making facial expressions and prancing around. so i started crying, again, i screamed and said "fuck off you prick, i absolutely hate you, leave me alone!" did i say, said? more like screamed. i stomped up the stairs so hard and loud the vibrations came back to my feet on the next step. i slammed my bedroom door and started screaming and crying more. i ran to the loo and i was sick. that was the last time i was sick, dont worry. but 5 times in like 4 1/2 hours is bad. 
i could here my mum and kevin arguing downstairs and i was just in tears, my face all red and teary, my stomach of hunger and butterflies, needing to piss really bad. haha. i went downstairs to carry on making my dinner, but i got distracted by what they were saying so i went into the living room and the dog was sat there, shaking so much, so i hugged him and tried to calm him down. kevin then bitched at me, so i shouted back and wasnt even doing that many hand/arm gestures, but he was copying me whilst eating at the same time and my mum was like throwing the chair at him, telling him to get out of the house and he was like "hold on, one second." my mum was all "no, now. get the fuck out of my house!" kevin made me more aggro, so i sa next to the dog and held onto him more, then kevin said i wasnt allowed to, cos i had no right over the dog, i asked why and he said "cos you dont pay for him, i pay so much for him" i got all aggro saying "you have no right living here then, cos you dont pay anything" then he said he did have right, so i said i had right to look after the dog. my mum told me to bring the dog upstairs but kevin kept calling him too. 
eventually he was up in my room, with my computer unit stored behind the door. so he couldnt come raging in like he always does. it felt like some bad domestic abuse movie. 
kevin said he'd report us to the rspca, cos we dont look after him. 4/5 cans of food a day 4/5 walks. dont look after him? understatement.
kevin said he wasnt leaving unless he had the puppy, obviously my mum was going to refuse, cos she bought him
then kevin got all aggro saying he pays for him, then my mum was all "thats what you do when you live with someone."

to end it all, he's squading downstairs in the living room at the moment.
i personally cant live like this. i'm back at college tomorrow.
and when kevin moves out, it's going to be tight in this house
thats what made me quick college last time and work, when kevin moved out last year
i just wanted to help.

i actually, hate my life.

i strangely had quite a good christmas. the evening today i had to help my friend figure out what to do about her current love situation. i think we've got it sorted out for her. we were sat in some park in hawley and we were burping constantly for 10 minutes. we're turning into such lads, it's quite funny. then we walked 20 minutes to see her ex boyfriend, due to him being the dilemma. and as soon as the front door opened, loads of smoke came out. it looked as if they'd been smoking a load of comedy joints the entire day. fortunately, just a smoke machine. haha. then we had a fag. i hate smoking in peoples houses. i feel so guilty by it. blimey, i dont even smoke in mine. haha, for plenty of reasons. 

since i got home, my mum has been in such a stress. she had another arguement with kevin. she's trying to get me to figure out how she gets rid of him. oh dear, sorting out my mums life seems to be a daily occurence these days. 

this morning i was shocked, i woke up at half 11, thats not like me, i'm normally up at the lateest of 9. more shock was to come, the industrial estate (mcdonalds/next/comet/currys) was absolutely packed. it was like a sauna in next, clear those pores! we were also a bit cheeky with swapping around the prices on the slippers to get them at cheaper prices. ahah. ILLEGAL.

so yeah, on the 7th i saw hellogoodbye.
i met forrest. and it made my life. 
i've only got like 3 people left to meet. well, i'd to meet 4/5.
jake gyllenhaal. JESSE-FREAKIN-LACEY. dave grohl/taylor hawkins. travis mccoy.
oh & maybe jack penate and ms.winehouse. oh i love her entirely. i hope she gets herself sorted. her and blake, ahh perfect. 

how was your christmas? tell me about it. 
did you get much from santa? get what you asked for? 

sales tomorrow, shop till i drop for a hot chocolate :) hm
i'm hungry. so bye! :)